One year.
It's really hard for me to write about what life is like without Matt. He was such a big part of my life, I learned so much with him, from him and because of him. There was so much love involved in this family and in our household.
The tiny little things mattered so much to us.
We've been through infinite things together, we held each other hands and cried together so many times, we dropped our knees to the ground and prayed for the cure so many (f@#$%) times. We never gave up. Not one day. Not ever.
But things happened the way they were supposed to happen, I guess.
The first months after Matt passed away were not too bad. I said to myself over and over again that I had grieved him for so long before he passed that I actually believed that I had. It's much easier to put a smile on my face and pretend everything is okay and carry on with my life. Going out as much as possible and do the things that we couldn't do for so long.
A simple walk in the park means so much to us because we couldn't do that before.. it would have been too much for daddy.
It wasn't until just before Christmas that grieving came crashing on us.
We were in the car (boys and myself) driving to the supermarket and this beautiful song started playing on the radio. I got emotional but kept it to myself as I was paying attention on the traffic. I parked the car and looked back and Nathan was quietly crying... the tears were flooding down his beautiful face and I immediately got him on my lap and we cried together. He told me the song reminded him of daddy and the tears just came on.
Until this moment I thought we were doing okay with his passing, of course that I always think about whether I did enough, what else could I have done for him, did we give him enough love and support?
So on came Christmas and I couldn't make a big thing out of it... just tried to make it as fun as possible and not think about the year before...
But as much as I tried these special dates mess up with the mind. In February we would be celebrating our wedding anniversary.. what's the protocol here? How can I celebrate my wedding anniversary without my husband? I paid him a tribute on Facebook and life went on... so I thought..
The following days I came down with an infection and had to rush into hospital.. I'd seen Matt's symptoms for all sorts of infections so many times and I knew that I had to go in. It was halfterm and the boys were home so I took them with me. Sebastian was fine and Nathan said nothing... we were waiting there for a while and they were behaving like angels.. suddenly Nathan looks at me after the doctor left and asks: Mummy are you gonna die?
How do you react to that? How do you respond to your child asking you this?
With the anniversary of Matt's death approaching we have all been a lot more emotional at home. Sebastian started verbalizing a lot more about daddy. He's very private about his thoughts and lives in his own little world, but he's a very smart boy and his little brain never stops working.
The other day I bought Nathan his very first diary and he said he would write about all sorts of things and no one could read because they were secrets, I asked him if he kept any secrets from me and he said only one.
Can I tell you mummy? He came near my ear and said " I love you a million times more than I tell you"
Done! Tears everywhere again...
That same night, with the whole secret subject still on his mind he said to me after his shower
" Mummy can I tell you another secret?"
"Of course baby!" I said and he went on:
"I wish I died so I could see daddy again"
There.
It broke my heart in a million pieces. And we both cried together again...
No, it hasn't been easy. There are some happy moments, we are okay most of the time, but grieving is a hard thing to get through... it comes in waves... sometimes it's like a calm low tide and sometimes it's like a tsunami.
Today, the 12th March 2019, a year on and we are still trying to process this loss, even though we know he's much better wherever he is, we miss him terribly. Today we can only cherish the time we had with him and be grateful for the opportunity of having such an amazing person in our lives. The bravest man I've ever met. He sure tried everything in his power to be with his family and he did for as long as he could. Thank you Matt.
Thank you Matt for choosing us to be your family. Thank you for giving us so much of yourself, thank you for existing in this crazy world and thank you for teaching us so much about the importance of the little things.
Now life goes on and we must keep going... we must keep pushing... as he said to me just before he passed away "It's not worth it being sad, smile, the world deserves to see you smiling".
So thank you Matt, for everything... Now we must let you go...
